If there is one thing I learned from this latest slew of auditions it is that I am feeling a sense of “finality” to them. In the sense that if I am not on stage anymore then I am ok with that.
Granted one could argue that I am on a “break” or rather “in between” shows… so it is natural to get into a groove away from theatre… but not so. Normally I would feel that pull of being on stage or having a sense or a need to perform. All that is gone… oddly enough.
I have mentioned on and off how I have been hitting the audition circles hard in the past year or so because of circumstances. I am working in the suburbs, on a special project via the client’s office. Because of that, I am right in the center of all the various community theatre groups that I wanted to audition for. However, this special project isn’t going to last much longer and even then I am not guaranteed beyond the end of the current calendar year.
Once that happens I am back to the primary office of my company in Chicago and back to the grind. My chances of committing to a community theatre production for rehearsals would be virtually non-existant. So I am getting my fill while I can.
For the past year and a half I always thought that my love of performing would never dissipate, I enjoy it too much… but for some reason that’s all gone now. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it or don’t love it, on the contrary, but it doesn’t seem like a necessity like it did before. Performing in general was never a “need” for me like for some people I know… but it was definitely a “want”.
Somehow… in the past year or so I found a balance that I so desperately needed in my life and found something(s) that may allow me to venture beyond performing but caters to some of the other aspects of my life… See I have always knows that imagination and creativity were “needs” in my life. I “need” to have them in some capacity in order to be happy, or sane, or both… but how they would come about is the question.
This is still a rather newfound feeling, but one that I am thinking is going to last longer than I originally thought possible… who knows though, I might find the desire to perform again… but then again I know myself enough to realize when the end is near, and in this case it is most definitely near. The strangest thing, is that it is a lot nearer than I had originally envisioned.