Fleeting: Weathering the Storms

Earlier this summer, I was conversing with an old friend of mine (old for me meaning close to seven years now), about my current emotional situation… She proposed a scenario that immediately reminded me of two other instances where friends intervened to mediate.

Before I go on, here is a bit of what my friend said:

[…] I’m starting to think he doesn’t have the balls to talk to you or pursue you whether it be in terms of a friendship or relationship. And the fact that you spoke your mind to him is a good thing. If he can’t handle a little fire, he needs to get out of the kitchen. Cause anyone in a relationship knows that if there aren’t a few fires or conflicts to overcome, I’m not so sure it’s worth being in that relationship. If anything, [overcoming conflicts] shows just how strong the bond is between friends or lovers.

Now, normally I would agree… but I can’t help but think about his past, or mine… and how difficult it can be to open and trust someone in such a way that you know you are doing nothing but leaving your heart open for someone to simply stab through with a sword. Especially knowing that it has been stabbed, repeatedly before.

Though he’s been burned, it’s up to him to muster up his courage and take the chance of getting burned again for that one chance to find something real with a person who he can open up to. He’s got to try.

No kidding, but I think that pretty much applies to myself as well. I’m not one to push or pursue something when there is a high chance of getting burned… I opt for the safe route, the calming route. I can’t stand confrontation and arguments push me in ways where I can actually rip someone verbally into shreds… it is an ugliness that I hate in myself. So what do I do?

It’s his job to pursue you… Ball’s in his court. It’s his job to beg.

Wait… what?

If you have exhausted every avenue on your end, then yes, the ball is in his court.

As she understood it to be… she believes that I have been more than understanding and civil to the whole situation, choosing to cry and mope in quiet and not really telling anyone exactly how I feel. In fact she would go on to express that he had it really easy when it came to me, so now he needs to work if he really wants something. Why? What purpose would it serve? Because over time emotions and feelings would fade, normally.

Granted this is coming from the same friend that is under the belief that he was pining over me while he was talking to her and wasn’t really paying attention to her because she believed he was watching me. I don’t believe it… I can’t… because, well, I don’t know.

Life is complicated… Truth is simple.

Then I remembered that she was one of a very small handful of friends that I consider closest to, we weathered the good and the bad times and there was even a time where we didn’t even talk to each other at all because of negative feelings / gossip. Yet, after we weathered that storm, cleared the air, we’re friends again and stronger than before (I believe, because she doesn’t remember what kind of friends we were prior to not talking to one another).

However, what helped to bring us together was a third party that felt that we would both benefit in talking to one another and he was a kind of mediator in the conversation… her husband (at the time her boyfriend). A lot of the things that I mentioned and felt, he saw first hand and understood. In many ways he translated my own experiences with a situation with what she was going through at the time and the realization was that it wasn’t that I was not at fault, but that I did what I felt was best for me considering the circumstances. He saw that and comprehended it… and when my friend realized just how similar it was for her… well, things started to work out better between the two of us and our friendship.

There was another friend whom I had unintentionally angered and we stopped talking cold turkey. It was hard because we got along so well and chatted almost every day. Then to suddenly not talk anymore? Yeah… ok. We purposely avoided one another, though we worked in the same department at the university. If we were in the same room, we were at opposite sides of the crowd so as not to converse… so how did we “get back together” as it were?

Friends… all of our mutual friends made a point of getting us to meet up with them as mediators and the Cold War eventually defrost. It has been over a decade since then, but to this day I consider him to be among the closest of my friends, though we don’t talk much anymore due to schedules and lives. I went to his wedding, and interestingly enough I am friends with his wife… we chat a lot more than he and I did, which is nice.

So what to do here? Is there nothing that I could do to help rebuild the bridge that is burning away? Maybe what my friend said was right: that there really isn’t much that I can do anymore, I said my piece, he saw all the emotions that I pent up inside that was begging for release. As much as I regret the manner that they came out upon him, in many ways I am glad they came out when they did.

**sighs** So this is what it all comes down to, that all I can do is just wait and see… or rather…

Just live.